I was up to my elbows in the tub this morning, scrubbing it out as part of my cleaning blitz while TNC napped, when the doorbell rang. I opened the door, sponge still in hand, and didn’t see anyone. I leaned out to the left and came nearly nose-to-nose with a woman small in stature who looked to be in her 60s, well dressed and made up, and clutching a nice black handbag. I could’ve put her in my pocket, she was so cute.
She stuttered a bit: “Oh! Sorry to trouble you but I wondered if you had a moment.” Thinking she wanted to do a survey or was perhaps a neighbour I hadn’t met yet or was just lost, I said ‘Sure’. She relaxed her shoulders, cleared her throat and looked me in the eye. Right then I knew that what was coming out of her mouth next couldn’t be good. This woman had an air of Crazy about her and it was about to manifest itself right there on my doorstep. I backed up one step and squeezed my eyes half shut, as if bracing for an impact. Then Crazy hit me with the good stuff.
“Have you ever wondered why bad things happen in the world today?”
Me: Such as…???
“Oh, you know. like the kidnapping of little Madeleine McCann, and other such evils.”
Umm, sure, kind of.
“Do you read the Holy Bible?”
No.
“Well, I do and I’d like to talk to you about Satan and the work he has done and continues to do in direct opposition to what God wants of us.”
Satan?
“Yes, Satan.”
*silence* Umm, I really have to get back to my cleaning, and my daughter is due to wake up any minute.
“But I’ve been talking to your neighbours and I’d like to talk to you too.”
I’m sorry, but I really have to go. Good day.
I smiled at her and then gently shut the door, exhaling slowly as I did. I stood in stunned silence for a moment before shaking my head and returning to the grime of the tub. And I realised that what was more shocking to me than this woman’s words was the fact that she was the first door-knocking Bible beater that I’ve come across in all my time in England. I’ve had a few people hand me literature in the street, sure, but I’ve NEVER had one knock on my door. I’d almost forgotten that these people existed. And until I am assured that they have been obliterated, become as obsolete as Walkmans, or gone into hibernation, that, my friends, is one of the things on my list entitled Reasons I Just Can’t Bring Myself To Move Back To America. I mean, it’s probably number 24 or something like that, but it’s still there.
There’s something to be said for British reserve and their respect for privacy.
June 13, 2007 at 5:09 pm
hey now! i can say with complete honesty that i’ve never been approached by a single bible beater anywhere in chicago, much less at my home. homeless people, sales people, fundraisers, weirdos, crackheads, chavvy guys in bars, pollsters, small children, lost individuals needing directions, and drunks – yes, religious crazies – no.
dead as the walkman i say. move back!
June 13, 2007 at 5:10 pm
yes, but that’s because you live on the 3rd floor. when you live on the ground floor, come talk to me again. ground floor = god talk.
June 13, 2007 at 7:02 pm
i don’t mind religion (to each their own), but i *hate* proselytising. nearly every saturday morning i have the jehova’s witnesses at my door. i just tell them thank you, but i’m very happy in my godless damnation.
that usually sends ‘em scurrying
June 14, 2007 at 10:09 pm
i seriously often wonder, “why does this shit ALWAYS happen to the davis girls?!”
June 16, 2007 at 11:33 pm
You implied this woman was British, and then go on to point out that this is why you wouldn’t move back to America?
Hate to tell you, babe, but there are Christians in England too.
June 16, 2007 at 11:38 pm
If you’d actually read and comprehended the post, you would know that I mentioned the British woman and then said: And I realised that what was more shocking to me than this woman’s words was the fact that she was the first door-knocking Bible beater that I’ve come across in all my time in England. I’ve had a few people hand me literature in the street, sure, but I’ve NEVER had one knock on my door.
Translation = I have never come across a door-knocking Bible beater in England, HENCE MY SURPRISE since they are so common in America. The thought of having to deal with them every day again is why it made it onto my list.
Learn to read, yo.